| self destructive behavior |
[06 Apr 2006|11:34am] |
lost and confused
terrified
afraid to see whats beyond the moment
empty and used
unsure of how my life will unfold
locking windows and barring doors
shutting anyone out that could hurt me
but leaving the worst behind...
myself
|
use my words against me
|
| one night |
[22 Jan 2006|10:29pm] |
if i could have you for one night
make you my own like some love slave
take you inside me
hold you forever
you would know no other
and i
would never need to know another
you would satisfy
all senses in me
and hold me in every sense of the word
for one night
|
6 stabbed me [X]use my words against me
|
| Muted dreams |
[22 Dec 2005|12:41am] |
tragedy is strategy
when your beating back your demons.
screams locked tight behind muted lips
that tell the horrors of your past
but cant get past the present
wishing you could hold me
the way i need you to right now
knowing that it will never be the way i need it
because im too fucked up.
all i can do is watch the world
drift past me
as i rush to try to catch it
and i lie to myself saying
"this time i will catch it"
knowing i wont
and never will
so i cry myself to sleep each night
clinging to my dreams of perfection
and waking up to realize they will never be
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use my words against me
|
| like its the last kiss |
[17 Nov 2005|01:02am] |
kisses dipped in honey
dripping down my throat
tasting it coat my insides.
your lipe, stinging my own
pressing arduos and haunting
feeling your breath scorching my lungs
as your fingers tangle
in my hair and
crawl down my shoulders
where they meet my palms
and close around them
|
use my words against me
|
| internal suicidal conversation |
[19 Oct 2005|02:07am] |
inhale
exhale
breathe it in an out
remember this moment
this is the end
the bottom
the breaking point
take the plunge and do it
take the life you hate
leave it
let it go
release yourself from it
leave it in the dust forever
but you can't
you just wallow in this self pity
self loathing
and no matter how hard you try to run
it never changes
|
use my words against me
|
| Fall |
[12 Oct 2005|04:43pm] |
in the darkness
lost and docile
falling through the broken memories
of the mirrors of my past
watching my reflections float past me
like parachutes
and my demons below me
my angels above
faling toward this hell i have created
failing towards this nothingness in my brain
falling into myself
only to be lost forever
|
use my words against me
|
| numbness aches |
[19 Sep 2005|01:17pm] |
i am numb
dripping red and pale
floating on my baited breath
waiting to feel free
or comforted
or loved
and with each night spent alone
i know that you have drifted further and further
from anything close to reality
drunk and stumbling
i cry
wishing this ache
would go away
|
2 stabbed me [X]use my words against me
|
| Breath |
[08 Sep 2005|10:36pm] |
no words
cos there is nothing there
i cant tell you i love you
because you dont care anyway
you lay next to me each night
and with baited breathe i wonder
"is this the night you tell me you love me again"
and every night i lay awake for hours
listening to each breath
waiting for these words i so long to hear
reading your words to me over and over and over again
wondering where the fuck i went wrong
only
i dont need to wonder
because i know
and thats what hurts the most
|
use my words against me
|
| The Gift |
[27 Aug 2005|02:52am] |
*birthday poem for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) sixfeetunderme*
and i can taste him
like the sweet sour of sin
running down my chin and onto my breasts
as we caress
by the light of a full moon
his nails in my skin
and his teeth at my kneck
rolling in the heavenly hell
of black satin sheets
dripping with sweat.
i climb onto him
and straddle like
only a true lover can
taking him deep within my self...
deeper then any man
has ever been
or will be again
because no one can touch me
the way he does
and feeling me tire of being in control
he flips me over and pins me on my back
he moans as i groan his name
and beg him to take me
and he does
just how i like it
hurting me and holding me
all in the same touch
giving me every senseation i have ever craved
and i give it back to him three fold
and when we collapse in ecstasied exhaustion
i whisper in his ear
happy birthday baby
|
1 stabbed me [X]use my words against me
|
| swalling your suicidal pride |
[18 Aug 2005|11:00pm] |
two handfuls full of pills
a tummy full of vodka
a pocket full of broken dreams
and memories of a twisted life soon ended
and with each swallow
my mind hazes over
i fucking regret nothing.
except the fact that i didnt do it sooner.
swallowing my sucidal pride
i think how happy i am that
i chose this way to go
and before i slip into the amazing darkness of death
i whisper to anyone who can hear:
"i will see you in heaven"
|
2 stabbed me [X]use my words against me
|
| Invisibilty |
[12 Aug 2005|01:30am] |
in the stillness
my heart racing
like heroin through he veins of a junkie
my vision blurring
my senses failing
i am falling through a rip in
my reality.
tumbling through skeletons and love letters
collecting bruises and paper cuts along
the way,
i realize that i truly am nothing...
a void
blank spots on black paper
a grain of sand on a beach
that fading memory of your last kiss...
a thing of the past
i am no longer
no more
and no one even remembers
what it was like when i was someone important
someone who they loved
someone who they wanted to devour just by kissing them
instead im the trash you call when you need a blow job
the friend of convieniance that you know will always be there when you need her
regardless of how you treat her in the mean time.....
im the corner stone holding up the world
and i am stand on a piece of wet tissue paper that is starting to tear
|
2 stabbed me [X]use my words against me
|
| Tiny Me |
[02 Jul 2005|11:53am] |
coldness in his eyes
staring down at me
i lay on the floor
and even in the smallness of his heart
i feel insignificant
bug like
easily disposed of
detructable
without cause or consequence
his breathe,
hot on my neck
and with each bite
he devours my innocence
like a sinners last meal
tasting my soul
my child like soul.
with each sip he become more alive
as he destroys me
my mind
my body
he is made more whole
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use my words against me
|
| Mental Clutter |
[29 Jun 2005|12:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pleased |
] |
rocked shut
closed off from all existence
each night spent inert
dog tired
dazed
confused from my daily goings on
lost in this sea of speculation and dirty speech
my mind glazed over like some rock
at the bottom of a river
flowing madly
like my thoughts
from one to the next
skipping
tripping over words that make no sense
that have no reason to exist in my brain
except to taunt me
haunt me
hinder me from living
from moving on
from forgetting
from healing
from my life
*i think im really starting to find a style...and i like it.*
|
use my words against me
|
| If Only |
[11 Jun 2005|12:37am] |
if only i could touch one person
with no rhyme or reason
or without the selling of my soul
like flesh on the street
if only i could meet
a true being of compassion
who saw my soul for the real twisted rope of a human being i am
i could die a happy woman
if only i could feel like i mattered
more than matter in that air which i breathe when i lie
i could die
a saner woman
with wrists that weep out my regret
and with eyes that no longer blink back the tears
that prove that i exist
i am a year older...
an adult, no longer a simpering child
huddled in a corner bleeding and torn
i am hardened now
stoned and calloused
pale as alabaster stones
broken i have been
and now i sit
stitched up with mismatching thread
bones poking from holes that show my truths
like skeletons,
whispering from hidden closets all the
inner workings of my mind
if only i could confess all of these secret realities within me
if only i could hold someone for a moment longer than long enough
if only sleeping alone wasn't so lonely
if only
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use my words against me
|
| Tip Toe |
[02 Jun 2005|12:46pm] |
my pants are too long for me and they scrape the ground when i walk
and when i stand on pointed toes to kiss you
it only reminds me how small i really am
and how it feels to be protected by your arms
and if it tasted sweeter...
this honey sweet satisfaction of love
the spider webs would clear themselves inside my head
and i would think just that mush clearer
but instead you haze my mind
in this lovely lethargic cloud
of trust and comfort
unlike anything i have ever seen
walking around with a secret smile
biting my lower lip in anticipation of each touch
and my hand has molded itself
to fit perfectly inside of yours
|
use my words against me
|
| broken |
[21 May 2005|07:07pm] |
i am blinded
trying to see
lost and fumbling
to regain a grip on my reality
like glass shards broken
from the silver mirror
of my purity
forced to stare at 1,000 reflections
of my shattered self.
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use my words against me
|
